A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Damn, DUDE better watch out, starting to think JB doesn't like old folk

i think JB got his Readers Digest subscription renewed

Naw, I got a 65 year old co-worker that keeps forwarding me jokes!

Old people are cool, they say chit and don't care what ANYBODY things, that's how I want to be when I grow up...

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

To all Employees:

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: New Phrase:
01. No fucking way……………….. I’m not certain that’s feasible……..
02. You’ve got to be shitting me…. Really?
03. Tell somebody that gives a (very bad word) Perhaps you should check with…...
04. Ask me if I give a fuck……….. Of course I’m concerned………….
05. It’s not my fucking problem…. I wasn’t involved in that project….
06. What the fuck…………………. Interesting situation………………
07. (very bad word) it, it won’t work…………. I’m not sure I can implement this...
08. Why the (very bad word) didn’t you tell me that sooner…………………………I’ll try to schedule that…………….
09. When the (very bad word) do you expect me to do this?................Perhaps I can do it on my own time.
10. Who the (very bad word) cares?.................. Are you sure it’s a problem?
11. He’s got his head up his ass…. He’s not familiar with the problem.
12. Eat shit………………………… You don’t say………………………
13. Eat poopie and die……………….. Excuse me…………………………
14. Eat poopie and die motherfucker.. Excuse me sir……………………..
15. What the (very bad word) do they want from me?........................................ How may I help you?
16. Kiss my ass……………………. May I help you with that?
17. (very bad word) it, I’m on salary…………. I’m tied up at the moment………..
18. Shove it up your ass…………… I don’t think you understand……..
19. This job sucks…………………. I love a challenge………………….
20. Who the hell died and made you boss?.................................You want me to take care of this?
21. Blow me………………………. I see…………………………………
22. Blow your self………………… Do you see?
23. Another fucking meeting……. Yes, we should discuss this……….
24. I really don’t give a fuck…….. I don’t think it will be a problem…
25. (very bad word) you………………………. How nice, very nice……………….

Copied from one of my favorite sites
www.textsfromlastnight.com

maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter

hunting footage

http://www.waryatv.com/read/video/1167

thats super funny.

A womens poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean..
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother...


A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a poopie.

all of that!

GOOD STUFF

This might be a rerun, someone sent it to me.....thought I would share.


WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes
will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How's
that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true? Then send it
anyway--you've got nothing' to lose!