You found my cat

Subject: Towel Heads

Recently I received a warning about the use of this
politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more
sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic
terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called
"Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually
a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point
forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". Thank
you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

Did you know:

A. That the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"?

B. That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that ???

OMG THAT WAS JUST WRONG.....

NO steve NO! that was not ok.

ha ha gotcha!!!

Let's just say I have this friend and this is his story.

It may look like a long story, you’ll die laughing at the end!!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' while I'm reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ......



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUC TION ... WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, and my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor… A three second burst would be considered conservative.



IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs... I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I poopie myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


PS... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

To funny, was posted at NWW.


Why Marrying a Good Speller is Important
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnDnOCiQhxw

This go's along with the above post

The differance between a brown noser and a S-h-i-t head is............



























Depth perception.....

NASCAR

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his
entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management
team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more
than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but
within 12 seconds, they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number
and sold the car to Dale Ernhart Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Thanks Torry I needed that !!!

A man was sitting in a lawn chair , drinking a cold beer watching his wife mow the lawn. The next door neighbor lady walked out & saw what was happening . She yelled at the man & said " you should be hung". He turned around , took a drink from his frosty beverage and said" I am , thats why she mows the lawn

Two dwarfs go to the strip club and take 2 strippers to a hotel and 1 room per dwarf and stripper, in room 1 the tripper fell alseep on the first dwarf so he had to stay up all night listenig to. HERE I COME 1 2 3 UUUHHGG in the other room OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN untill the morning when the 2 dwarfs met up outside and dwarf 1 said, man my stripper fell alseep, sounded like you 2 had a good time. Dwarf 2 says what the (very bad word) are you talking about i couldnt jump into the bed

If you tell a deaf person how much could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood, then that would bt a finger twister





eh i think its funny